Tag: mental-health

A Living Miracle

November 26, 2025

Good afternoon,

Eighteen years ago today, I had my heart attack. I have two large scars because of the heart bypass surgery, and so it is hard to forget the events of those two weeks in November/December 2007. I had surgery a week after the attack, and I returned home a week after that. All my children and Shirley waited six hours in the St. Mary’s Hospital. waiting room for the doctor to give them the news of the surgery.  
Shirley did CPR, and the firefighters did CPR and defibrillated me twice. The paramedics gave me a clot buster, and drove me to the hospital. The nurses and doctors prepared me for surgery, and the surgeon did the bypass stuff, and I was sent home with an armful of drugs. exercises and a new diet. None of them acknowledged saving my life, but they were well-trained in their fields, and they were extraordinary. The rest they left to fate, karma or God ? 


I do not think everyday of being thankful, for being saved, and having these extra years of life here on earth, but I am. The odds, and I am not a betting person, were against me. Thousands have died since then with better odds. I was blue, and my heart was racing beyond belief, and the first responders did what they are trained to do, and it worked. You can tell I still think about why I am here with my re-telling the story. The story is still being written.


If you knew me at the time of the infarction, where were you and what did you think ? Blessings to you for all your prayers then and now .


Please pray for peace to really come to Gaza. AMEN

Fred

black and white shadows

crush humanity’s freedom

am I complicit ? MPL 2025

Narcissism and Memoir Writing

October 22, 2025

Good afternoon,

I continue to participate in my on-line course on memoir writing. It is hard work just thinking about it. There are many ethical dilemmas to think about. What do I include or not, and am I being honest in my reflections if I plan to leave things out ? Is honesty the best policy ? Someone mentioned the difference between fact and truth. My memory might not be factual, but there might be truth in the stories that I tell. Tough stuff eh ? And am I to be the central character of every story that I tell in the memoir. I think that is the definition of a memoir, and why would I want to do that. 
Earlier, I talked about the professor speaking about some reasons we might write being revenge or telling our side of a certain memory. I do not want to write for these reasons. Then there is the problem of narcissism.

” A narcissist lacks self-awareness entirely. They’re not thinking about
who they are and what they’ve learned from their experiences. They
are not interested in sharing their deepest, darkest secrets in the
hope of connecting with others. Instead, they are concerned only
with their needs and how to get others to meet them as 
quickly and easily as possible.”                               from Hedley Derenzie

What if I am a narcissist and do not know it, and I write my life for the above reasons, and from only my point of view ? But I can only write it from my personal point of view because that is who I am . I read Steve Yzerman’s biography. Yzerman was a former NHL hockey player for the Detroit Red Wings , and he says to be an elite level pro athlete you have to be selfish. Do I have to be selfish about my story as I write my memoir ? Selfishness and narcissism. These are dangerous traits to take on. I am still unsure that I should embark on a journey of memoir

 “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. Romans 7:15-20
Praying for Gaza. AMEN


Fred

black and white shadows

crush humanity’s freedom

am I complicit ? MPL 2025

REVENGE WRITING ?

October 4, 2025

Good evening,

I am taking a course on memoir writing from Canadian Mennonite University. The teacher, Mary Anne Loewen has written books about the topic, and edited books on people writing about both their moms and dads. It is a hybrid course with people there in person in Winnipeg, and also about 20 people on line, like myself. We had our first session on Wednesday.


There was some good practical advice already in the first session. Below is a quote from her powerpoint presentation:
” Why are we writing ? 

1. To provide a legacy 

2. In order to discover more about ourselves; to make sense of our lives.

  3. To exact revenge, and/or to vindicate ourselves.”


The first two ideas seem good. If I write it for my wife, children, grandchildren and also my siblings, I think that would be beneficial. Secondly, as I write my memories hopefully I learn more of who I am, and that I find meaning and sense out of my many different experiences. It might be a difficult process, as I learn things about myself that I really do not like. This is very much a possibility, as I write and think about all the ages of my life.


But to exact revenge and vindicate myself. Exacting revenge is not in my Mennonite theology. At first I thought this was an awful thing to do. But, I guess it is part of being honest with my experiences and how I feel about them. The teacher said you will have to decide how you write about bad events, bad people and bad memories. You have to think about who will read the words , and is it worth the risk. It might be helpful to write, and then keep it to yourself. If I need healing, then it might be good to write the pain down. The other part, about vindication, is that people know “my” story, and I write “my ” side of the events. I am not sure I want to do that either. I do not want  a ”  I said, and they said ” back and forth stories .This memoir writing is going to be hard.


But, as she said the part about revenge, a memory immediately came to mind. My home church did not protect me from the fear and trembling around the second coming of Christ. I still carry that fear somewhere in my heart, mind and soul. It went on for years with constant fear and the Sunday School teaching. Would it be revenge or would it be honesty ? I guess I have to decide at some point how, and when I want to tell that story.
Is peace at hand in Gaza, and what kind of peace will it be ? AMEN.

Fred

Life is so slow .

eptember 15, 2025

Good afternoon,

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

                         a time to be born and a time to die,….  Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

I have reflected on ‘time’ moving slow in my life a few times in the blog. Time changed for me about nine months following my heart attack. It has consistently been slow ever since. I was struck again by this sense of time in the last month. Normally, my pharmacist gives me two weeks of ‘blister ‘ packs of medication. I have been on much of the same meds since 2007. But in late August he/she gave me four weeks of meds. It seems to have taken forever to get through this one month supply, and I have another week to go ! Even though it has gone on for so many years, it still has not become normal, and it still feels strange and unnatural.


This is my life. I no longer ask why, but I do wonder what it might mean for my spiritual journey ? But after 17 years of slow time, it does not really matter. Some cancer patients have told me time slows down for them for a while, but then it goes away. And many people say that time goes faster as they get older. I say today,  ‘ it is only September 15th ‘. 


Maybe I am being offered more time to think ? I do not feel the need to do more. And I do not get any more done with all this extra time. The biblical prophets do not talk about time slowing down. Jesus doesn’t say anything about it. I wonder if his final week slowed down for him, as he and his disciples had to deal with so much conflict and tension. My body was traumatized by my diabetes and heart attack. Others have had the same experience and time marches on for them. Time walks in slow motion for me.

May peace quicken its pace in all places of war and violence. AMEN


Fred

black and white shadows

crush humanity’s freedom

am I complicit ? MPL 2025

why write my story ?

September 22, 2025

Good evening,

It seems to me that I am posting later and later in the day. I wonder why ? I might still be getting used to a new rhythm in retirement. At the Mennonite Story four people have been on vacation, so I have been filling in a few more shifts ( like today ) than normal. When I was writing while still at Poole, the focus was the congregation. Maybe, I am still trying to see who is my audience, maybe it is still just for me.


I am really wondering about the situation in the United States and in Gaza being the reason my writing has been more challenging. I do not watch as much news, but what I hear is so distressing that it is hard to focus. Everyday Trump outdoes himself with something unbelievable. Today, he announced a connection between Tylenol and autism. He is not a doctor, but he makes the public statement. And the ruthless destruction of Gaza continues every day. 


And I have been thinking about my life, and if a story, my story, needs to be written. I am a regular guy who has lived a relatively safe and unassuming life, mostly here in Canada. I have had some extraordinary health events in my life for sure, but why should I write my story ? I think it would be good for myself, and my family to have a record of my life events, and a little bit about my faith journey. I am still trying to figure it out to review my life in a public way, like a memoir. Why does my story need to be told ?
I keep coming back to the passage from the beginning of Luke’s Gospel.. He felt it important to write down an orderly account of the life of Jesus . This is Luke 1:1-4

‘ Many have undertaken to draw up an account of the things that have been fulfilled among us,  just as they were handed down to us by those who from the first were eyewitnesses and servants of the word.  With this in mind, since I myself have carefully investigated everything from the beginning, I too decided to write an orderly account for you, most excellent Theophilus,  so that you may know the certainty of the things you have been taught.’

Fred

A call to peacemaking

You can bomb the world to pieces

       but you cannot bomb the world to peace Anonymous

By the way, the bombing of Iran involved 125 aircraft, Tomahawk missiles launched from submarines, and half of our “bunker busting,” highly specialized, $1 billion each, munitions. Some early estimates of the cost: $30 billion. But yeah, there’s no money for child medical care, funding libraries, curing cancer.

There were evil leaders in the biblical record. This includes Pharoah, Jacob, Nebuchadnezzar, Cyrus, Herod, Caesar Augustus, and the Caesar of the book of Revelation. I know it is harsh to call other people evil, and I know we all have good and bad within us. I am going to tread on dangerous ground, and talk about the President of the United States.


Donald Trump is a narcissist. His world and all that is in it, is all about him. and only him. We all have some narcissism in us when we cannot see beyond ourselves. In the book,  Fear , Bob Woodward writes that Trump told him he does not need forgiveness because he has done nothing wrong. I believe that he believes that of himself. He never acknowledges when he is caught in a lie. He just lies again. He puts people down. I do not think he has empathy for anyone. Every other person is a potential enemy for him, if they disagree with him. The press call him a transactional person. ” If you do this for him, you will get something in return “,and especially if he does something for someone else, he demands something back, and very quickly. I admit, I pray this kind of thing to God/Jesus, ” if you save this person, I will follow you more closely.”. So, I am a transactional person on occasion.


One character trait of a pure narcissist is having no empathy for anyone. Mr. Trump has shown this towards human victims of tragedy. And his followers and advisors never call him on it. So, how do you deal with a man who is only out for himself ? Every day it seems to be worse. I could not write a letter to him because he has done nothing wrong. His friends and allies say he does not mean what he just said, and they laugh it off. There seems to be no responsibility taken for anything he says and does. An argument is not possible with someone who doesn’t want to argue. He wants to tell you everything from his point of view.


We are only six months into this term, I am afraid for the United States and the world. It cannot get worse, but it will, tomorrow. 


Praying for the bombs and hatred to end. AMEN


Fred

black and white shadows

crush humanity’s freedom

am I complicit ?

 MPL 2025